"Just give me a stage...where this bull can rage."-Robert DeNiro as Jake LaMotta in the 'Raging Bull'
barry...
well...there’s lots to scream and shout about these days. there’s lots to be angry about. i myself got so sick and tired of it that i am living the life of a quasi hermit on a farm in a foreign country where there aren’t so many people.
“it’s not that i don’t like people...it’s just that i feel a whole lot better when they aren’t around”...mickey rourke in “barfly”.
i live pretty isolated these days...with a bunch of animals, domestic and wild, that i have come to know as my friends and family. with a swedish wife. but still you can’t get around it...you just take a look around when you set foot in town you can practically smell it. the bullshit. the nonsense. why wouldn’t one scream?
"i'm mad as hell...and i'm not going to take it any longer!"- howard beale in "network".
as a boy you were like mozart. you were a child prodigy. insightful and sensitive of the things to come. word salads composed of "expletives" to communicate a vocal protest to the nonsense that you perceived. it wasn’t only junior tennis i’ll bet you that egged you on...although it's a great microcosm to begin with and to practice in. it wasn't just the parents. it's the whole nasty business...of life. you were old enough to see the boys marching off into the rice paddies of southeast asia on the evening news. there was lot’s of swearing going on down there...among other things. it's getting worse.
“For to express that degree of anger, with that intensity and frequency, in the real world, where life is not a gentleman's game, would have had dire consequences for myself and likely many others who crossed within my orbit. So in a very convoluted way I may very well have gotten lucky to have found tennis as a place to exorcise my rage, for society is not kind to those incapable of self-control.”
society is not kind to those capable of telling the truth either...it’s an interesting dilemma. hold your tongue...or speak the truth and risk drawing fire. yeah...it’s a great training ground. you were lucky.
your story doesn’t shock me in the least. it validates what i have known for a long time. i hope that you have left yourself off the hook. freed yourself of all those things that bothered you. i know the score too. i don’t regret any of my “performances” in rage. people never forget stuff like that. i'm infamous. the performances get more blown out of proportion as time goes on. they get better as time goes by. it give people something to talk about. it gives them someone to point their finger at. deep down inside everyone likes a good blood letting. the spectacle of someone blowing their top. that's why mcenroe was so popular.
tennis is a complicated game...it teaches us about such things such as engagement and emotions. it’s not always pretty. no easy lessons either. nothing is for free...it’s all blood, sweat and tears. unless of course you are a blue blood. but even then...it can get dicey. there's loads of hypocrisy involved.
the fact that you said something like...”the battle of my soul was on”...leads me to believe that you felt something really deep. deep inside of your being. deeper than the heart lies the soul. it’s a special feeling. not for the feint of heart. i remember a line in a movie called “angel heart” where robert deniro (mephistopheles) is speaking with mickey rourke (johnny angel) and he says to him in a voice that hauntingly goes on and on through eternity like a litany...”the flesh is weak, only the soul is immortal”.
you’re a heavy guy, barry...extraordinary article! i love it...it’s thought provoking. it's outrageous. i guess everyone has a story to tell. not too many have the balls to do it. bravery is putting your ass on the line and letting every tom, dick and harry have a peek at you. naked and baring your soul...basically not giving a fuck.
the tennis court certainly gave you a safe place to rage a bit...the court really puts you out there. all alone boxed in between the lines. talk about being naked. but it helps to clean out the system of toxic anger...even purging the annoyance. it helps to soothe the soul...just a bit. then you go home...and the wife says something that you don’t understand. oh boy, the rage...it continues. ahh shit...better to keep the mouth shut.
peace and understanding. thank you for your honesty and thank you for sharing.
...don_budge
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